May 13, 2020 Wednesday

We have been living in “quarantine” since March 16. During that time I have been learning to teach from home, learning new digital platforms, videography, video editing, transitioning to grading online, dealing with heightened work expectations, and trying to balance life with family. It’s been a lot. Zoom has gone from a PBS children’s show to an everyday experience online. Now we are Zooming with work, meetings, students, and classes. Zoom has even replaced social hours, house parties, hanging out with friends, and keeping in touch with family. The news is ubiquitous and realistically depressing. The division in our American culture has been increasingly obvious and increasingly stressed. Social media is filled with negative, often hateful and angry, news, memes, and heart-written posts. There has been – and continues to be a lot of transition and a lot of stress.

I tend to eat my stress. 10 years ago I was in the best shape of my life. And then my grandmother died, my husband’s father died, we moved…and I gave up on myself. I stopped going to the gym regularly. I stopped being mindful of what I ate. I adopted the attitude embodied in the Erma Bombeck quote, “Think of all the women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.” I literally gave up caring. I ate and drank my stress away. I also gained 40 pounds and my pant size went up from a 29/30 waist to a 34/36 waist. For a long time I decided to just live with it. I incorporated it into my persona – being the frumpy-pudgy-old-academic. The persona worked. With that integrated persona I no longer had to think about what I ate or going to the gym.

When the quarantine started, I dealt with the stress and negativity the same way I always did. Then, this past weekend, I made a decision. We are in quarantine. I’m not going anywhere. Restaurants and gyms, as well as workplaces and social places are all closed. I could continue to live and cope the way that I have been, or I can change. II could channel that anxiety and stress into taking better care of myself. Maybe, IF I do that, then when this whole thing is over I will feel better about myself and be able to integrate with life in a healthier way than living behind personas that I create for myself or quelling constant consternation by continuing to consume calories. So, starting two days ago (Monday) I have started to change the way that I approach myself in managing my everyday experience. The quarantine is forcing me to face myself in ways that I have been able to avoid.

I have a plan. This week I am focusing on my eating habits. That has to change or nothing will. After this week is over I hope that I will be able to look back at the week and congratulate myself of a week of eating that was successful. Next week I will start working out in addition to the dietary changes. I am lucky enough to have a bench and some free-weights. Then I’ll go from there. One step at a time.

The past few days have been interesting.
Monday was easy. At the end of the day I thought, “I’ve got this!”
Then Tuesday came. Ugh. Yesterday was tough. I ate enough food (I am not fasting or starving myself) but I was constantly hungry. By the time evening came I went way over my calorie limit. Mind you, I did not binge. I ate sensibly. But the caloric intake was above what I had hoped for myself. Being hungry sucks.  I can’t keep this up if I am hungry all the time.
Today is a little better. I had a morning Zoom meeting at 7:15 in the morning. So I sipped my coffee (black – the way I always drink it) during the meeting. When the meeting was over, I just wasn’t hungry. I rode that wave until about 10am and had a protein shake. I’m taking this one step at a time.

This will the first of posts on my blog that will follow my fitness journey. I’m not looking for anything other than to live my best life and (I know this sounds corny) be happy.  Everyone will approach this in their own way. At NO time will I ever “shame” myself or others for who they are. This is about being my best self – not about being “skinny.” I want that to be clear from the start.

As I share these posts, I hope that you will follow along and offer me encouragement or comments. (Please save your advice for when I ask for it – and I WILL ask for it at times.)

Whew. I’m doing this. Let’s see how this goes.